thoughts

I just got done watching the movie....The Kingdom which is a movie ab out an Amercian investigative team going into Saudi Arabia because there has been a suicide bomber who killed over 100 Americans on this base.

I got watching this movie and I don't know what to think...but I have thoughts and so this is my avenue for getting them out. This movie was brutal and grotesque but what it did do was humanize the "enemy" and it did so in a way that was purposeful and intentional. I realize that. I am not siding with the bad guys whoever they are, but who is the bad guys anymore. Do we even know? Is it the United States? I mean what have we done as a country?

Do we even support this war anymore?

I can't say I do. I support those who are over these fighting for our country, that is what I support. I support those who will be away from their families on Christmas day and miss their kids and husbands and wives and want nothing more the a hug. But I can't support this anymore. I think (well rather hope) that at the beginning of all of this we as the United States stood up and said no more. This injustice will not go any further. We will not allow the torture and killing of innocent people not one moment more. That is why this war was started because someone had to do something. Someone had to stand up.

But I do not believe that is the case anymore. I believe that the sect of people we are fighting is so small and has become ambibuous and yet has so much control and power they we have become blind to the very reason why we began this war.The Bush administration says they have to stabilize the Iraqi society and teach them how to stand on their own, but studies have shown that according to our standards Iraq is not passing and they are not doing well.

Now I know that violence has gone down over in Iraq. I realize that, but as an overall picture. This war is never going to end. There is never going to be a resolution. I think and this is my own personal opinion and you are entitled to your own but how does anyone end a culture of people? I mean the small sect of people who are radical enough to strap a bomb to their bodies and become a suicide bomber engrain their believes into their children. A country cannot wipe out an entire religion of people. The Holocaust happened once and I still am unable to completely understand how is happened. So why do we think we can stop these people?

I am just at wits end for what to do anymore. As an American I am saddened for our country. I am saddened at our economy. I am saddened at the approval ratings we have for our president. I am saddened at what this war has done to our country.

The movie ended by both people passing along the torch to others of violence. They each believed they were right and avenging the enemy. I wish violence could not be an option. I wish that guns were never created. I wish for a lot of things right now...but then again these are just my thoughts.

my little guy

In a little more then a week I get to hop on a plane and travel back home and see one of my favorite people in the world. My nephew, Hunter. You see we have a special relationship, not just an aunt and nephew it is a lot more. I am excited to see him because he is one of the only people that gets so excited to see me when I first see him.

So here I sit with Christmas a little over a week away and it does not seem like Christmas to me. I guess because I am no longer a kid and I do not have a family of my own yet. But when I get to see this little guy and he runs up to me and hops up in my arms it will seem like Christmas or something special to me. He made a paper chain all on this own that counted down the days til I come home. He told me that when we were talking on the phone. Sometimes I forget how to act like a kid, I am too serious, or just do not act silly enough in my life. Hunter helps me remember how to be that silly little persons that is inside of me. And I can't wait.

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Today here in the springs a gunman walked into a church and killed at least one person and wounded four others and last night another gunman walked into a denver YWAM and also killed two others and seriously wounded a student.

On days like these I ask where is God?

I was in my car traveling and a radio announcer was talking about the shootings and he said when things like this happen we can be sure that God will be glorified and our faith will not be shaken. Which is true. But not what people need to hear when such a tragedy like this has happened. This dj wants us to glorify and praise God when such horror happens, but the God I know also doesn't mind real emotions.

He wants us to have a real, true and honest relationship with us. He wants us to show Him our real emotions even if that is doubt, sadness, turmoil, depression, and confusion.

I learned that my relationship with God is like this and we are real when I was pushed to my limits and almost broken to obiteration. I was real with God and was angry at the injustice of this world and how good people hurt and there are no explanations for some things.

My souls seem to be in a state as St. John of the Cross describes darkness of the soul. This is where I question God's almightiness sometimes. I know He cares and loves me and ultimately wants the best for me, but that also takes trust on my behalf. Sometimes trust is so hard because I have place my life in the hands of someone I cannot see. I have to have faith that He will be and say what He says He will do. I question that cause I am human and I do not see the fruits of that in my life.

I feel like I am holding my breath, waiting for something big around the corner to happen. Any one else have thoughts like these?

So today I do not tell the victims of this violence that God is served through this, and He is glorified. I would tell them that the God I know is there in the midst of the trauma, doubt and questions.

don't worry i am still alive and kicking :o)

Well let's see. I am sorry to all of you who read my blog consistently. I have not had internet for what seems like forever. It has been a bit frustrating to say the least. It certainly is true that you don't realize how you take things for granted until you don't have them at your fingertips. I thought I would include this picture from awhile ago when i was hiking with friends. I showed them this particular spot, cause it is my favorite spot to journal. I climb up here and I am just in awe of God's creation. I mean just to hike up here and sit and be quiet is amazing.

I will post more pictures later but my computer is being as slow as a turtle and so when i try and do that I get so frustrated I want to throw my computer . . . and katie can't afford a new one so I am getting more RAM for christmas so she will run better.

Let's see what shall I update you on. . . I have decided I am going back to school officially. It is time for me to bite the bullet and just do it. I am very excited and somewhat not excited about the thought of going back to school. First of all there is no good program for your masters in social work here in the springs so i would have to travel up to Ft. Collins, but i think i am going to do it. I could get my masters in counseling because they have a program at UCCS but I just think social work is more my heart. Not that I don't want to counsel in the future cause I probably will do that, but social work is my passion. There is something about social work that focuses on the social injustice of our society. I miss being passionate about the social injustice in this world and challenging all those who allow injustice to happen in our world.

I recently had coffee with a friend from dale house (the group home I used to work at) and in talking to him I realized just how much I miss dale house. I miss waking up the girls in the morning and having that precious conversation that only happens over 6 am breakfast that you make them, i miss tucking my sweet shawna in at night and reading with her (even though she was 18 and I was 23 it didn't matter), and I miss just hanging out with kids and having tough conversations about their lives in which they would share the deep heartache and hurt and abuse they had gone through. I seriously would just sit and cry as I would listen to some of their stories. I miss loving on people.

So that is what I am doing going back to school so I can help people againg. So I can be full of passion and not hate going to work. I want to really face the oppression in this world and help people. God has given me a heart to love people. So there you go . . .

I will fill you in more on my life later, but I don't want to bore you with all the thoughts in my brain.

ta. ta.